More.

Above all else

Not the first time I’ve said it, but it’s so true:
Even the most majestic and biggest and most fancy words will still be unable to describe His greatness and mercy and love.
God can’t be explained; He can only be experienced.

Missed this feelg so much. Been so dry for quite a while now, then Pst Kong came to preach Word really just renewed recharged re-energized refreshed me so very much.

On the nights when I’m feeling my lowest, when everything just isn’t going right,
Your love is what pulls me and allows me to hold on.
Thank You.

When all else fails, Your promises remain.

“5 years from now, who’s gonna remember all the accolades you’ve gotten?
Live for something bigger, something eternal.
At least those lives you touched, those lives you helped change because you loved them enough to bring them to Christ, because you genuinely cared about them …. they’ll remember.
There is a purpose.”

Thank You for Your words.
Not gonna regret, not not not not not.

Yknow how people have role models that are like people in history books or even rockstars, actors, teachers and so on?

Was suddenly struck by how amazing so many leaders are in church.
We have no lack of role models in them, and I’m thankful that the people I look up to are people who I can identify with because
1) They are real
2) They are near
And why not? Especially when the people that these people look up to are so amazing themselves.
Pastor How, Pastor Lia, Charleston, Jamie, Garrett, Zhuo Xinyi, Wendy, Adriena, and even all the other leaders from the other zones: these are people worth respecting, worth trying to emulate.

Truly amazing, they are. (:

Round and round we turn, laughing at him her them you me us, laughing like there’s nothing funnier, laughing so hard that it hurts,

And now we’re breathless yet still we continue turning and laughing - maniacally now - because we’ve gone too far and we can’t stop, just like how the world and all its nonsense will never end, and we continue on in the hope that this might somehow drive away the pain and the worries and the sadness and the anger and the emptiness,

Then suddenly somebody shrieks and the sky comes falling and the world starts shaking and now we’re slipping, sliding, tumbling, rolling and the rain begins to pour the same way our tears do, because even the heavens weep for our stubborn foolishness to fight for what we can never have,

But still we can’t stop laughing because if we do, if we ever do, it all becomes real,

And nothing is fun anymore.

x

Half the time I’m tryg to find my own identity, the other half I’m tryg to remember who I used to be.

Stupid dreams. I pray against all these nightmares! Will not go to China at the end of the year no matter what! Best time of the year to chiong peoplework, only time to be able to go to God’s House every single day! So why would I want to miss out on all that only to suffer and have a horrible time there?

MORE ANNOYED THAN EVER NOW!

God, I pray You’ll make these nightmares stop. In Jesus’ name, amen!

I wonder if it’s ever going to be what I’ve always imagined.
Will it be bigger, better than what I’ve expected?

Or will it be just another one of the usual disappointments?

“How do you distinguish between what you want, and what you really need? The problem is as humans we cannot always find the difference between the things we simply desire and the things we utterly cannot do without. We don’t know the difference, we don’t know any better. We think we need things that don’t even matter, and we take advantage of the things that do matter. And soon enough, we get what we deserve and the things we thought nothing of disappear. It’s then we realise that it was the one thing that mattered the most. The only thing you ever really needed in the end.” :mypaperairoplane

What is wrong with me? Honestly…

The year has left me drained, if not half dead.
Coming to terms with many things, and yet at the same time regretting the way they’ve turned out, largely due to my own selfishness and stupidity.
Have no idea where I went wrong, but I have a feeling it happened somewhere when I made the decision to stop being taken advantage of.

So now I see the importance of being merciful, and yet…and yet. it isn’t easy.
Idk, like when you’ve built walls around your heart leaving doors to specific people and things only for such a long while, having to tear them down is really painful in a way.
Guess I just don’t like feeling defenseless.

I need to change, I really really do.
I look @ myself in the mirror sometimes and recoil at what I see.
Why am I so hopelessly inferior?

I am such a horrible person. Ugh.